Written by: Abigail Anderson, LCSW
Self-love is essential to both mental and physical well-being. It involves embracing every part of yourself, including your imperfections, rather than valuing only the parts you find easy to accept. When you genuinely love yourself, you are more likely to treat yourself with respect, including how you care for your body.
Self-respect is reflected in how you live and relate to others. It means setting clear limits and boundaries, cultivating and maintaining healthy relationships, and having a strong awareness of your needs, both what you want and what you do not. It also supports more effective emotional regulation, as you better understand the reasons behind your feelings. Equally important, self-respect allows you to extend grace to yourself when you make mistakes, recognizing that growth is part of the process.
How Can I Build Self-Love?
One word: ACCEPTANCE.
Accepting that you have made mistakes and will continue to do so.
Accepting that you have imperfections.
Accepting that you cannot change the past.
Accepting that you are loved, even if you don’t feel it.
Accepting that you cannot change others, only yourself.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re okay with everything. It means you stop fighting what is, so you can focus on what can change.
What Needs to Change?
You need to understand that the negative messages and internal beliefs that developed over the course of your childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood are not accurate. For example, if you decide that you are unlovable or unworthy, that belief becomes a factor in who you choose for a partner, whether to pursue a healthy relationship, or whether to pursue a dream job. You may also engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as being late for a job interview or sabotaging a relationship. Most self-sabotaging behaviors are unconscious behaviors. But they all derive from the belief that you are not lovable or worthy.
Many of us can look back to people we have dated and think, “What was I thinking?” That is likely a reflection of how you felt about yourself at that time. Maybe we felt being in a healthy relationship was “boring.”
When you believe that you are unlovable or unworthy, you will seek and find the people who will validate it.
To move past these negative beliefs, you have to challenge them from a place of self-compassion and curiosity. You can ask yourself:
- What makes a person unlovable or unworthy? We all have redeeming qualities. What are mine? What qualities do I possess? What would my friends or family say about me?
- As a child, why would I start to believe that I was unlovable or unworthy? If it stems from parents, were they right or wrong? Especially with what you know about them as an adult. If the belief stems from abuse, seeking therapy would be beneficial because there is much to unravel.
- With the information I know about myself, why do I need to continue to believe that I am unlovable or unworthy?
- If my inner child told my adult self they were unlovable or unworthy, would I agree, or would I have compassion and reassure myself?
Forgiving Yourself Is Part of Self-Love
You have to forgive yourself for past mistakes. Let’s be real, we are all dumb between the ages of 15 and 27. Our frontal lobes are not fully developed yet, so we lack the executive function needed to make sound decisions. You will make mistakes; it’s a part of life, and it’s how we learn. Beating yourself up for a mistake you made at 16 keeps you from loving yourself.
You can tell yourself that you forgive yourself, you were young and dumb, and you learned. Then, move on.
Give yourself permission to say: I forgive myself. I was young, I didn’t know better, and I learned. Then move forward.
You will make mistakes. It is inevitable. You are human. The takeaway is what you learned from the mistakes and how to avoid repeating them.
Loving yourself has everything to do with you.
You are creating a relationship with yourself. This relationship includes validating yourself, understanding your value and worth. viewing yourself with compassion, care, and understanding, setting and maintaining boundaries, and respecting yourself.
How Does Self-Love Show Up?
- You can be alone with ease.
- You will create a warm, safe environment for yourself.
- You are in control of yourself.
- You will choose people who help regulate your nervous system rather than stimulate it.
- You will seek calm and safe people and places because you know you are worthy of them
- The possibilities are endless!
Self-Love Is a Practice
Self-love requires honesty and compassion. It involves questioning beliefs that no longer fit and deciding not to carry them into every choice you make.
Over time, this starts to show up in how you act—what you accept, what you step away from, and how you handle challenges. As those decisions shift, your sense of self begins to shift with them.
Working through these patterns with a therapist can help you move beyond insight and make changes that hold over time. At Insight Therapy Solutions, we focus on helping you understand where these beliefs come from and how they influence your day-to-day life.
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Abigail Anderson, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Nevada who works with teens and adults, including members of the Hispanic/Latino community. He uses evidence-based approaches to support clients facing anxiety, depression, trauma, and anger-related concerns. Irvin focuses on helping individuals recognize their strengths and create meaningful change in a supportive, safe environment. He offers therapy in both English and Spanish.
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